ToluOJ.com

Lashile

Hello.

Ah, I scared you? Relax now. Don’t be afraid.

I can see that you’re about to run, but just hold on first and listen to what I have to say.

Yes, I am coming to you live from the great beyond. I have heard the atrocious rumours you people have been spreading, and I have been forced to come out and clear my name. You know how they say there are three sides to every story – his, hers, and the truth? Well, this our story has 4 sides, and I’m going to do my best to tell it as accurately as possible, especially since Ibidunni has abandoned you guys, which, by the way, is so typical of her – forever interested in her enjoyment alone.

She’s told you how we met – I’ll admit that part of the story is accurate. Before you start to judge me, just remember that I am a product of our society – and guess who makes up the society? You! So if you really think about it, everything that happened is really your fault. I was only trying to safeguard myself from the judgement I knew I would receive – the uneducated boyfriend of the educated, from-a-wealthy-home girlfriend? Tah! You people would have had a field day with me!

Anyway, let’s pick up from where my beloved wife (or is it ex-wife?) left off. So, she got into the University, despite my reservations, and as the loving boyfriend that I was, I accepted her decision – well, her parent’s decision on the matter – and I moved on. I probably brought it up a few times whenever we fought – like 10 times, not more than 20, but I promise I moved on.

Like she said, I decided to start a business, so you people won’t insult me, and call me a gold digger. I started with selling phones. Blackberries had just started getting popular at the time – all the rich kids I taught at the tutorial centres either had a Blackberry curve, or Blackberry bold, and the not so rich ones would do anything to get their hands on one. Everybody wanted to be able to ask, “What’s your BBM pin?”, or “Can I ping you?”, and so I saw an opportunity, and I took it.

Now, my business model was quite unique. I had what I would like to call a ‘phone recycling business’. Basically, I had a lot of friends; teachers, students – specifically the ones that had written the exams multiple times and just couldn’t pass, cleaning staff etc at different JAMB tutorial centres across Lagos. I would ask my people to ‘lift’ Blackberries from students in centre A, and I would wipe them clean, and sell them to students in centre C – at a discounted price, of course. You catch my drift? Each‘lifter’ would get a commission on their lift, some kid would get a new phone, and I would make some good money. Everyone won – well except the kid whose phone was stolen, sorry, lifted. Like I said, unique business model.

Anyway, my business grew tremendously – God be praised. I graduated from recycling Blackberries, to recycling iPhones, and androids in a few short years, and even expanded my clientele outside the tutorial centre circuit. The money was steadily rolling in, and I opened a shop at computer village. I even started recycling phones from outside the country! As the good boyfriend that I was, I spent a good chunk of this money on my girlfriend – taking her and her friends out to the club, buying her hair, and clothes, and shoes, and just generally making sure that I marked my territory, so no silly University boy would steal her from me.

Unfortunately, my entire phone recycling empire came crashing down one day because of one simple piece of technology – find my iPhone. Basically, someone wasn’t too happy about their iPhone being recycled, and made a serious effort to find it. The police got involved, most of my inventory was ceased, and I was arrested and held at the police station. I had to get one of my friends to bail me out, and everything quickly went downhill from there.

I was forced to start over, and I decided to venture into a new line of work, as the phone recycling business don cast. I had about one million naira in savings, but the new business venture I had in mind required about two million naira in capital – meaning I was in urgent need of an additional one million naira. I decided to ask Ibidunni, since she had promised to support my business anyway – it was time to cash in on that promise.

Now, Ibidunni was in her third year in University at this point, and I knew she didn’t have that kind of money lying around. But you know who did? Her parents. I came up with a plan on how she could get the money from them – a beautiful cocktail of lies that involved some easy document forgery, and some over-the-phone impersonation. Basically, I wrote a letter pretending to be the management of the private hostel she lived in, informing them of an immediate 50% increase in her hostel fees per semester, and a requirement for both semesters to be paid upfront. Between that, and a few other white lies, I – sorry, we were able to raise the one million naira to start my new business venture.

You want to know what my new business venture was, abi?

You like gist o.

Anway, since I had so much experience as a recycler, I thought why not take it to a new level, and really make the big bucks? If you guessed ‘car recycling’, you guessed right! 5 gold stars for you! Yes, I started ‘lifting’ cars from across the country and selling them. But don’t worry, this time I did my research, and I learned all I needed to know about boosting a car, and making sure it couldn’t be traced back to me.

I’m really giving you guys some premium gist here – details that Ibidunni could never have given you. You see, she knew that I sold phones, and later cars, but she really didn’t know about the more ‘legal adjacent’ parts of the business. Basically, she no know say I be thief. Business was getting really good, and I struggled to keep up with the demand, so I decided to take a business partner, and that was how Chinedu came into our lives.

He would become my best friend, best man at my wedding, and eventually the person who helped my wife kill me, and get rid of my body.

Chai.

What a life.