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Titi

You know the problem with men? And yes, not all men because I know someone is going to say it. The problem with (some) men, is that they believe they have the monopoly on bad behaviour. They’re so used to doing horrible things and getting away with it, that they think they are evil geniuses – it’s the “I must be so smart since no one has caught me, so I’m special” syndrome. But there’s enough bad behaviour to go around, especially when one’s heart is filled with the hot, burning desire for revenge.

I knew that Chinedu didn’t love me when I married him. It was clear that he was in love with someone else – I just didn’t know who it was at the time, but I figured it out later. He also didn’t even do a very good job of hiding it, so there’s that. So, yes, I knew he married me just because I was there, but I also married him for similar selfish reasons. I needed the security a marriage to someone like Chinedu would bring me.

He was wealthy, established, and had a good head on his shoulders (or so I thought), and for someone who has a history of always dating the wrong person, he seemed like the perfect option for me. I needed someone to take care of me, so I could stop hustling, and just relax, so I agreed to marry him. Yes, it wasn’t the wisest decision, and yes I would end up regretting it, but I did what I thought was best at the time.

We were happy at the beginning, let me not lie. Money makes a relationship easy, especially in its early stages. He wined me, and dined me, took me on trips around the world, and spent so much money on me that I basically lost any sense of reasoning. I was smitten. This was the life I had always wanted for myself, and I was grateful to God that I had finally gotten it – and even better, from a fine, tall, sexy light skinned man. We had a whirlwind romance for 3 months, and well you know the rest.

Now, I would like to tell you that things continued to be nice and rosy even after we got married, but that would be a lie from the red-hot pits of hell. About a month into our marriage, Chinedu hit me for the first time. I don’t even remember what exactly I said or did to set him off, but we had an argument, and it ended in him giving me a hot slap. I was shocked silent. He had never hit me while we were dating, and he had never been violent, so I was truly surprised. He apologized of course – bought me gifts, sent me money, the whole nine yards, but my guard was up. I had never imagined that I would be a victim of domestic abuse; in fact, I had always prided myself on the fact that I was too tough to be any man’s punching bag.

“If any man tries to hit me, someone is going to either end up in jail or dead, because I will fight back. If I have to hit you over the head with a pestle, or stab you with a knife, so be it”.

I had seen and heard too many stories of women who continued to live with their abusers, and I told myself that it could never be me. So of course, I was reeling. I decided to just wait and see if it was a one-time thing. My brothers and sisters, I’m here to tell you that it was not. Chinedu continued to abuse me. He would slap, punch, and even knock me on the head sometimes – yes like a child. And I stayed there and took it. Till today I like to act like I’m confused about why I stayed with him for that long, but deep down I know the reason. I’m sure you guys do too.

Chinedu was methodical about his abuse – he spaced it out, not hitting me too frequently, but often enough that I wouldn’t forget the threat existed. He also didn’t batter me – he was controlled about it, maybe to limit the bruises, I don’t know. He would punch me in the stomach, knock me on my head, slap me occasionally (when he was very angry), but his favourite weapon, was his mouth. As charming and sweet as his words could be, he could wield them as weapons of destruction just as efficiently. Chinedu said the most horrible things to me – things I don’t even want to repeat or remember. I did my best not to internalize them, telling myself that he was a sick man – he was the one with the problem, and not me. But I must tell you, it was hard. I found myself doubting all the good things about myself, and turning into this empty thing that even I didn’t recognize.

This went for a few years. In public, and even to our closest friends, we were the perfect couple, but our home was my personal hell. After about 4 years of dealing with his rubbish, I finally decided to do something about it. That ‘something’ took me about a year to figure out, but when I did, oh how glorious it was. It took a series of events, and some help from a very dear friend, and I finally knew how to free myself from this prison of my own making.

Have you figured it out yet? No?

That’s okay. Keep going.

One weekend, I went out of town for a makeup job. It was supposed to be a normal weekend – work, come  back home, and deal with my crazy husband. I was used to that routine. But this time, it was different. When I got back, my husband was in the best mood. He was jovial, loving, and acting more like the Chinedu that I knew before I got married. Now, I’m a very intuitive person, and maybe a little pessimistic, so instead of being happy about this change in character, I was more suspicious. I tried hard to figure out what had changed in the few days I had been away, but it wasn’t coming to me, so I tried my best to forget about it.

A few days later, Dunni asked me to join her for drinks at RSVP, and I was happy to oblige. You see, we’d become quite close – our relationship started solely because our husbands were best friends, but it eventually blossomed into a beautiful sisterhood. We confided in each other about life, work, and our husbands. Yes, she knew about the way Chinedu treated me, and I knew about some of Lashile’s excesses as well. We had no secrets from each other. In fact, I was particularly excited about our catch up, because I wanted to tell her about how Chinedu had been acting differently since I got back from my trip. I didn’t know that I would get the shock of my life.

You see, according to Dunni, Chinedu came to her house while I and Lashile were away, and professed his undying love for her. She said she was horrified, and the last thing she remembers was telling him to leave the house. The next morning, she found herself on her bed, naked. Of course, she panicked, and decided to check the CCTV footage in her living room where she saw video evidence of Chinedu carrying her lifeless body into the bedroom.

Ladies and Gentlemen, my beloved husband Chinedu aka fine boy Chins, drugged Dunni and raped her. Yes. All the things he ‘did and said to convince her’, constituted spiking her drink with a sedative, and taking advantage of her. And because he’s a sick man, he had been sending her messages since that day, telling her how much he enjoyed spending time with her, and how he couldn’t wait to have the chance to be with her again. This was the reason Dunni invited me out for dinner, away from our husbands. So, she could tell me that my husband was a monster.

Now I was shocked by this news – but only a little. You see, I had figured out a while ago that Chinedu was in love with Dunni. I noticed how he would look at her, longing glances that he never gave to me. He bought me things that he saw her wearing and chastised me for relaxing my hair and not rocking a natural afro. He left little hints and tells here and there, and like I said, I’m intuitive, so I put two and two together. What shocked me was, as horrible as my husband was, I never thought he had it in him to drug and rape a woman. I was forced to deal with two emotions – grief for my best friend for what she had been through, and horror that my husband was even more of a monster than I thought he was.

I didn’t sit with my conflicting emotions for too long though.

“I have some other news, Titi. Lashile has another family. I have been begging and pleading with that bastard for the last 3 years to have children, and he told me he wasn’t ready for the responsibility. Well apparently, he’s been ready, not just with me. He has 2 children with some girl in Abuja. And guess who told me? Chinedu! He was trying to convince me why he was the better man for me that night, just before I went under. He told me everything. After all I’ve been through with Lashile, this is what he does to me? My parents never even wanted me to marry him!”.

Now. My people. If you were me, what would you do? What would you have advised us to do? I could only see one solution in my mind – something that would ease the pain we were both feeling, and allow us to move on with our lives. Start afresh.

“I’m going to kill my husband, Dunni. Because of the things he has done to me, and you. I don’t think he deserves to continue living. Now, I can’t tell you what to do, but I think the only way to get some justice is for you to do the same thing. And we can do it together.”

Are you getting it now? Is the picture becoming clearer?

We finished our drinks and sat in my car, where we came up with a plan – a fool proof one I must say – to kill our husbands. It wasn’t too difficult to do – I do have some experience in that department. Let’s just say that I can forgive, but forgetting is the tough part. Anyway, we decided to execute in two days. Lashile first – Chinedu had a trip coming up so he would meet his fate once he got back.

Killing Lashile was easy. The plan was to drug him, shoot him, and then dump his body over the bridge. Part 1 of the plan went seamlessly. Ibidunni cooked his favourite meal – abula, while I hid in the pantry, waiting for him to dose off. Things started getting a little weird after that though. He didn’t fall asleep as quickly as we thought he would. In fact, he picked that moment to go through their CCTV camera footage because he was looking for some money; he wanted to see if his assistant stole it. You want to take a guess what he saw on the footage instead?

Now instead of using his sense, and figuring that Ibidunni had been drugged, he assumed Ibidunni and Chinedu were having an affair. None of that mattered anyway. I put a bullet through his brain before he could even think about what to do to both of them. It’s probably why he thought Chinedu helped Dunni kill him. But its like I said – men think they have a monopoly on bad behaviour.

You know the rest of the story. We wrapped him up in the carpet, popped him in the boot, and over the bridge he went. Nice and clean. Now you can judge us all you want. I won’t lie and say that I don’t care what you think, I do. But when you’re faced with this sort of situation, you can react however you want.

Anyway, Ibidunni is back. She has something to say to you guys.

Ibidunni

Do you guys feel foolish yet? I told you it was a fascinating tale.

You’re wondering about the ‘eating of the apple drama’ abi? Kai you guys are still so clueless.

I’m dramatic! I lie! It’s what I do.

Imagine if I had really killed my husband because he ate an apple? Wouldn’t that be a more interesting story? And I was going to stick with it too, but Titi said I should tell you guys the truth. She wants you guys to know that women can be evil too. Personally, I don’t care about all that, but she’s my best friend so I’ll indulge.

Makes you wonder what else I could be lying about, right? I’ll leave you to figure that one out. But just keep in mind, that perspective is everything.

Anyway, fine boy Chins is next. Same modus operandi.

Why spoil a good thing?